Empathy in Action: Giving Your Child the Gift of Empathy
“Shh, shh, shh,” I watch as Robin who is almost two, pretends to put her doll (Alex) to sleep. Robin pats her baby doll gently after covering it with a blanket. She also likes to pretend to put her parents to sleep the same way. Through play, Robin is learning the early building blocks of empathy by imitating her caregiver at her daycare who is soothing her at naptime.
Robin won’t be able to show empathy completely until age 4-5 when she is developmentally able to understand another person’s perspective. The building blocks begin at birth and develops through adolescence and into adulthood.
Robin’s parents encourage her by noticing that she is pretending to soothe her baby. “Are you putting Alex to sleep? She likes it when you pat her.” They also good-naturedly, or maybe because they are tired, lay down and let her cover them, pat them, and make shushing sounds. Parents have a huge influence on the development of empathy and Robin’s parents are off to a great start. Benefits, tips, and tools for each developmental stage found here will get you started.
Empathy is the ability to sense other people's emotions, and to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
Benefits of Empathy
The benefits of strong empathy skills include:
More satisfying relationships with friends and family
Higher academic achievement and career success
Improved ability to communicate and be a more effective leader
Has an easier time resolving conflicts
Empathy Development at Every Stage
Birth - 18 months: It starts at birth. Infants often react when others around them are upset or crying. They can sense emotions even if they can’t distinguish between their own feeling and another person’s. As babies get older and begin eating, you see them try to share their food with you. They are just starting to see you as a separate person who can share in their enjoyment. These are early signs of the natural development of empathy that can be nurtured as the baby grows.
18 months - 3: You can see toddlers sometimes patting or hugging a playmate who is upset. Toddlers as you know will also hit, bite, pull hair, and scream, so this development of empathy is still in its very beginning stages. They don’t understand the harm they are causing because they can’t fully take another person’s perspective.
Ages 4 - 5 children are cognitively developed enough to see from another person’s point of view. They move beyond imitating like Robin does with her doll and begins to recognize and respond to other people’s emotions.
Ages 6 - 11 The development of empathy continues through the school-age years and adolescence. The development of empathy is not a straight line as kids will show empathy one minute and be pre-occupied with themselves the next.
12+ As kids enter the teen years, it can seem like a yo-yo as teens can demonstrate mature empathy one minute and pre-occupation with themselves the next.
Five Ways to Foster Empathy in Your Child
1. Model Empathy
You are modeling empathy every time you notice their feelings, help them identify their feelings, and provide support for those emotions. Your child is observing and absorbing your behaviors, so modeling a calm, empathetic response is one of the most powerful ways to increase empathy in your child. “I can see you’re upset because you dropped your ice cream on the floor.” “It sounds like you are having a hard time deciding which activity to choose.” “Wow, you seem pretty angry about how your friend treated you.” Providing calm empathy when children are storming can be really challenging, but if you can be a powerful learning tool on your child’s path to becoming empathetic.
As parents, we can teach our children to be empathetic while still having boundaries. “I won’t let you hit your friend. I know you are angry at them for taking your toy. Let’s take a break a minute and sit outside.” Once calm you can talk about better ways to handle the situation.
2. Name Feelings
Before being able to understand their friends feelings, they first need to learn to identify their own feelings. Parents can start developing this “emotional literacy” as early as infancy by narrating what your child might be feeling at any given time. When they wriggle in excitement at seeing the family dog, you can say, “It’s so exciting to see Spot. You really like it when he comes to say ‘hi’.”
As baby becomes a toddler continue naming their feelings for them. If your child begins to cry or get mad when it’s time to leave the playground, you can identify the feeling for them. “I know you're unhappy because we need to leave. You were having a lot of fun.” Empathy means having compassion when they are upset, and enforcing the boundary. “We need to go home now because it will be time to eat dinner soon.”
As young as preschool, parents can also help kids identify their own feelings. A fun game at this age is to play feelings charades. Print some emoji’s or facial expressions, cut them up and draw from the pile. Take turns acting out the feelings and guessing.
Pre-school and elementary aged kids can start to name feelings themselves. You can help them by having them stop and notice how they feel in their bodies. If they can notice their heart beating faster, shaking, feeling like they can’t sit still, hands closed in a fist, or funny feelings in tummies then you can help them put a name to that feeling.
3. Identify Feeling in Others
One of my kids’ favorite characters from reading books to them was Junie B. Jones. Junie B. would sometimes walk “very slumping” which would lead us to walk around with our head down and shoulders slumped, laughing. Ask your children what they think characters in books and videos are feeling at any given time. Watch and read books about feelings.
Friendships at school also provide many opportunities to practice. After your child brings friends into your house or talks about their school day, you can discuss how their classmates might have been feeling. “He just walked away in the middle of the game! Why do you think he did that?” ”Woa, the teacher yelled at them for no reason? How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”
4. Avoid the Enemies of Empathy – Denying and Minimizing
Deny
It is a rushed morning, and you can’t find your toddler’s favorite spoon for breakfast. A spoon may not seem like a big deal to you, but now your toddler is crying and throwing their food on the floor. It is easy to deny their feelings: “This spoon is just as good.” “Stop crying.” “You’re fine.”
From an adult perspective, it’s just a spoon. From the toddler’s point of view that spoon is important. Perhaps your child wants that spoon because it helps them feel more in control. Perhaps, they are teething and more easily upset. Maybe they just love their spoon, and it’s as important to them as your phone is to you. Whatever the reason, in toddler world, not having the spoon is upsetting. Try, “You’re upset because you don’t have your favorite spoon.“ Take a moment to provide comfort or make mad faces together before moving on with breakfast.
Minimize
The middle school age is similar to the toddler years in lots of ways. It’s emotional, and lots of changes are going on. Peer relationships take center stage. Take the example of a 12-year-old whose friend hasn’t responded to a text immediately and is obsessing about it. “They don’t like me anymore. I know it.”
As adults, every social interaction, hopefully, no longer feels like a life-or-death matter. Because we have a different perspective, it can be easy to minimize their feelings. “It’s no big deal.” “You shouldn’t let that bother you.” “You are overreacting.” Instead, a response of empathy will open communication and support. “Seems like you are worried because you haven’t heard back from your friend?” is a good opener to explore what is going on and offer support.
5. Encourage Empathy through Action
Help your child choose an action to show care for someone they know. Examples may be a child who is sick in their class, a classmate who loses a family member, or a neighbor who is lonely. Involving your child in the process of coming up with a caring action allows them to start thinking about others with compassion. Making a homemade card or a small gift are simple empathy developing activities.
Volunteering also develops empathy on a larger scale. For many years, I directed a program for teens that included monthly service projects in the community. Empathy is just one important skill out of many that they learned. As one student said, “I learned to not just focus on my own problems, and it felt good to make a difference for other people.”
Keys to an Impactful Volunteer Experience
Follow their interests
If they like animals, volunteer at an animal shelter or make cat and dog toys to donate. If they like working with kids perhaps they can read stories at a day care or play games with them at an after-school program. Other popular volunteer ideas for older kids and teens: serving in a food kitchen, playing games with residents of a retirement facility, tutoring, and picking up trash.
Prepare them
Try to think ahead to anticipate and prepare your child for what they will experience. What is a good way to approach a dog you don’t know? What if one of the kids doesn’t want to play? What are some challenges they might encounter? Who is there to help you if you run into a problem?
Reflect on the experience
My son painted a mural that he and his fellow student artists had designed. The mural covered a wall of a community pool in a neglected neighborhood. One day as I dropped him off, I thanked him for making a difference.
“How? It’s just a mural, Mom.” He replied.
“Look around, honey? People who live here think nobody cares.”
Later, a neighbor approached the leader to thank them and literally said that the mural made them feel like somebody cared. Reflecting on the impact helps kids see the benefits of empathy in action.
Teaching empathy to your child is a long-term project, and the results are worth it. Choose one or two ideas and get started!
Additional reading
How Empathy Can Change Your Life
Key Strategies to Teach Your Children Empathy
Find out more about BeLove Parenting Parent Coaching and Consulting