Making Mornings Work for You and Your Child
Do you long for more connection with your children and joy from your mornings even as the morning rush creates unrelenting pressure?
For many parents, before school or daycare time can be filled with constant reminders and power struggles that may lead to yelling or threats. Instead of feeling joy and connection, mornings can make parents feel ineffective, stressed, and aggravated.
Routines to the Rescue
Investing focused energy on a smoother morning routine will ultimately free you up to focus more on higher level parenting tasks such as
Showing love and affection
Giving your child a safe place to launch into the challenges of their day
Enjoying each other.
Routines free your child’s brain and yours too.
Think back to the first time you were behind the wheel of a car. You didn’t even know how hard to press the gas pedal or the brake. Turning took all your concentration. As you began to add multiple layers of skills such as putting on turn signals while turning or watching for other cars on the road, you likely needed to be fully absorbed in the task. Your brain was busy making new connections and your body was developing muscle memory.
Now when you drive the mechanics of driving are routine and automatic. You can talk, listen to music, and think all your thoughts. Maybe you’re eating or drinking your mocha latte. Hopefully, you aren’t putting on makeup, brushing your teeth or attending Zoom meetings – all things I confess that I or friends of mine have done while driving.
Similarly, putting an initial effort into setting up and teaching morning routines will make the mechanics of getting all morning tasks done become automatic. Routines give both you and your child an assist, so you can give your attention to higher level thoughts and to creating a more intentional vision of your family’s mornings.
Create a Vision for Mornings
Take a moment to imagine what an ideal morning would look like to you. Here are some ideas as you picture what you would like to see in the morning:
Your children getting themselves ready with no reminders from you.
Sitting down together enjoying a healthy breakfast.
Infusing the morning with hugs and wishes for a good day before they head off to school.
Sleeping as long as possible while they get themselves up and ready.
Waking early so you can have time to yourself before the house wakes up.
Is everyone efficiently handling their morning tasks, or is it also a time for engaging and interacting?
Add some sensory details to your morning vision. What does a good morning smell like? What does it sound like? What are you seeing? Tasting? Hearing? What does it feel like?
Adapt Your Vision to Accommodate Your Child
Mornings will work better if you align your vision with your child’s needs, natural propensities, and preferences rather than working against them.
My mom was a morning person. I am not. At all. As a child and teenager, dragging myself out of bed was challenging enough. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. My siblings and dad were similarly inclined. My poor mom was up early, bustling around the kitchen ready to socialize with her family while we were reluctantly awake, eating sullenly, and as fast as possible. We all had our mornings timed out by the late elementary years to wake up as late as possible and still get morning tasks done. It only worked if we were ruthlessly efficient with all our morning tasks. Cutting it close to catch the bus was a frequent stress.
If your vision of mornings clashes drastically with your child’s attention span, natural sleeping/waking rhythms, or preferred pace, your vision may need to be adjusted. If the most important part of an ideal morning to you is sitting down to breakfast and relating, and your surly teen is grabbing a protein bar on their way out the door, you may need to get creative. Perhaps you can set up a weekly late Sunday brunch to meet both your needs and increase your family connection time.
If your ideal morning involves your elementary school-aged child being independent in completing all their morning tasks in a timely manner, and your child has attention issues, you may need to start with smaller steps. Instead of focusing on how many reminders your child needs on any given morning, change your focus to celebrating with them when they complete tasks, no matter how small, without reminders. You get the benefit of paying attention to small steps toward your ideal morning while your child grows in small steps and confidence.
Set your Vision into Motion
Set up a good routine for yourself:
It’s easier to give your kids what they need if you have a little something for yourself built into your mornings. Many parents function better if they are up first -- showered, dressed and coffeed before they face the kids. Some parents even exercise before anyone else is up.
On the other hand, I took my kids to school while still in my pajamas because sleep was the most important factor for me. Yep, I was pulled over in my flannel pjs once with my kids in the backseat and warned for speeding in a school zone. Whether it’s sleep, coffee, yoga, or meditation don’t forget to include something for yourself in your family’s morning routine.
Proactive: Mornings run smoother if you have prepared the night before. My daughter, Zoe, was a pro at this by the time she was in middle school. She set her clothes out and made her lunch ahead for the next day.
We used to listen to a Bangles song – Manic Monday - in the car when we were stressed about running late. One of the lines in the song is about being late for work because, the song says she can’t figure out what to wear. Zoe at age 10 would always pipe up from the backseat, “I don’t understand why she doesn’t just lay out her clothes the night before!”
Have a plan for the non-negotiables: Non-negotiables include — wash face, clothes on, teeth brushed, lunches and backpacks ready, and a healthy breakfast eaten. Keep the instructions clear, make sure to allot each task the time they really need, and keep the order the same every morning.
Consider visual cues. Take a minute to look around your child’s elementary classroom. It is full of visual cues for expectations, schedules, and other important classroom routines. Teachers know that children need concrete, step-by-step visual aids for a smooth-running classroom. Create or buy a morning task chart. It will work even better if you involve your child in creating it. Use pictures if your child isn’t reading yet. They can check off each task as they complete them or put stickers on the chart when completed.
Practice. For younger children, try a practice morning or several. You can make it into a game or reward them with an outing or a special breakfast food. For older children and teens, discuss your vision for the morning and listen to what makes an ideal morning for them. Make a plan together and discuss potential problem areas. For some children it is best to make one change at a time as some kids (or parents) are upset by too much new at once.
Have a plan for screen time. Make an intentional decision about screens in line with your morning routine vision and stick with it. Here are some morning screentime options:
No screens in the morning gives more time to interact as a family and a better ability to concentrate on morning tasks.
Screens off at a certain time, so focus can be on getting ready, or screen time is available after all tasks are completed.
Phones are stored for the night and aren’t returned until an agreed upon time in the morning. Keeping the phones at night removes a distraction from sleeping and in the morning the focus is on the morning tasks.
Progress not perfection. Embrace the chaos. Messy is normal.
Whatever happens with your morning routine initiative, you can choose your attitude. Pay attention to any movement toward your ideal, whether big or small. Celebrate that your mornings, like life, are evolving.
At one of my workshops, a dad shared that mornings in his family stressed him out. Inevitably, one of the kids would open the door and let the dog out and the cat in. Some level of chaos would ensue as kids and parents would need to get the cat back outside and the dog inside. He wanted his mornings to be different than they were.
However, he also relayed that as each child left for their day, he took a moment to look into their eyes and tell them that he loved them, and that he hoped they had a good day. Real life parenting is at times messy and chaotic, and we can still choose to create a moment each morning for a loving hug, word of encouragement, or humor.
Ready to take the next steps? Contact me at penny@beloveparenting.net to get started.
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